Living Loud, Exiting Proud: The LGBTQ+ Blueprint for End-of-Life Planning

Funeral Planning in the LGBTQ+ Community

While everyone should make an end-of-life plan, if you are a member of the LGBQT+ community, those health care and funeral decisions may be even more critical to make ahead of time in order to ensure you receive the ending that represents you most authentically. 

In 2014, Jennifer Gable, a transgender woman, was presented as a man at her Idaho funeral. Though she had legally changed her name in 2007, her family chose to refer to her incorrect former name, cut her hair and arranged to have her dressed in a suit in an open casket ceremony. 

Though the laws regarding end-of-life choices apply to everyone, it is important to recognize that individuals within the LGBTQ+ community may have unique considerations when planning for their end-of-life. These stories highlight the need for proactive planning, as it may be necessary for individuals to make arrangements that differ from what their legal next of kin would typically decide.

Death Positive founder Caitlin Doughty explains, “If you do nothing, the person with all the power will be your next of kin.” Doughty says that while “we want our government and our laws to protect our rights to keep us safe from bigotry and discrimination. But the fact is, until that unambiguously happens, we also have to protect ourselves and our community.”

Doughty worked with the end-of-life planning site Cake to create resources for the LGBQT+ community including living wills, health care proxy and funeral agent forms. 

According to Karen Purze of the Life in Motion Guide blog, basic estate planning documents are not different, but same-sex couples and LGBQT people may want to consider some key issues. 

Health Care 

If you don’t plan on having your biological family make health care decisions for you at end-of-life, you need to explicitly name a health care agent with a health care power of attorney document. You should also name a backup. You may also want to create a hospital visitation rights document so you can have the hospital visitors of your choice, including non-family members who play a role in your care. 

Gender Identity 

Purze says your agent can be directed to order providers to respect your gender identity and expression, including the correct name to use (whether it has been legally changed or not) and the correct pronouns. There’s some example language here on the National Resource Center on LGBT Aging website. 

Marriage 

In 2015, the U.S. Supreme Court established a right to same sex marriage in the U.S. But completing documents like the ones below can help ensure that spouses can make important decisions about health or finances at end-of-life. These documents can be even more significant for partners who are not legally married. 

Resources and documents 

DIY estate planning site Trust and Will also offers online forms to get started including Durable Financial Power of Attorney (POA), Living Will, Medical Power of Attorney (POA) and HIPAA authorization. 

According to experts, since state laws differ, everyone should also consider talking to an attorney after they do a little research. 

“We all have the right to live and die confident in our identity, and have our ultimate wishes respected,” Doughty explains. 

As Ash Hayhurst, a UK funeral director, wrote on the Good Grief Trust website, the most important thing for those working in the funeral industry is to be welcoming and compassionate and “try to make everyone feel like they don’t have to ask, ‘will my funeral director be queer-friendly?’ This is the last thing people need to be worried about at such a difficult time in their lives.”  

You can find additional information from the Good Grief Queer Funeral Guide, the Hospice Foundation of America, LGBTAging Center, EveryQueer.com and Lambda Legal’s “Tools for Protecting Your Wishes for Your Funeral.”

SAGE – Advocacy for Services for LGBT Elders, 877-360-LGBT, is another good resource for many kinds of assistance including legal help.

For more information on talking about your end of life wishes, take a look at our article From Bucket Lists to Goodbyes: A Guide to Talking About End-of-Life Wishes. Or, for a list of the most frequently asked questions about end of life planning, check out our Answers to Death’s Frequently Asked Questions.