Grief Etiquette 101: What to Do at Deathbeds, Funerals, and Beyond

We all face moments in life when words feel clumsy and actions feel uncertain, especially when someone has died or is dying. Whether you’re visiting a deathbed or attending a funeral for someone you barely knew or haven’t seen in years, this guide can help you show up with compassion and confidence. You’ll also find additional guidance in our 12 tips for funeral etiquette. 

What should I do when visiting someone on their deathbed?

Visiting someone at the end of their life is emotional, no matter how close you are. What matters most is simply showing up with kindness.

• Ask first. The person or their family might limit visits. Always check before coming.
• Keep it calm and quiet. This isn’t the time for small talk or long stories — just your presence can be a comfort.
• Say something simple. “I love you,” “Thank you,” or “I’m here with you” can mean everything.
• You don’t have to stay long. A short visit can be just as meaningful as a long one.

If you’re far away or not able to visit, consider sending a note or message that someone can read aloud to them. You can also try calling; even if they’re unresponsive, many believe hearing a familiar voice can bring comfort. It might feel small, but these gestures can mean a great deal in those final moments.

What if I didn’t know the person well, or had a complicated or estranged relationship?

It’s OK to feel unsure. Not every loss is simple. Many families experience estrangement for various reasons.

• You don’t need a deep connection to show support. If you’re going to honor a friend’s loved one or show respect, that’s reason enough.
• If the relationship was strained, you can still seek your own closure or support others who are grieving.
• There’s no rule saying you must stay for the entire service. Being present, even for a brief moment, matters.

Do what feels right for you, and don’t feel obligated to explain your decision.

What should I say to someone who’s grieving, especially after a loss that feels unimaginable?

Sometimes we’re so afraid of saying the wrong thing that we say nothing at all. But saying something — gently and sincerely — is better than silence.

• Stick with simple honesty. “I’m so sorry,” “I can’t imagine,” or “I’m here for you” are all kind and safe.
• Avoid trying to explain the loss. Phrases like “They’re in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason” can hurt more than help.
• Be present more than perfect. Sit with them, text them a few days later, or drop off a favorite meal. Little gestures speak volumes.

What if the funeral is for a child or baby? Should I go?

Yes. If you're invited and feel emotionally able, your presence can mean the world to the grieving family.

• You don’t need to have the right words. No one does. “I’m heartbroken for you” or “I’m thinking of you every day” is enough.
• Just showing up matters. Even if you don’t speak to the family directly, your quiet support does not go unnoticed.
• It’s okay to cry. Or not cry. Everyone processes loss differently. Respect the tone the family sets, and follow their lead.

Should I bring my kids to the funeral?

This depends on the setting, the child, and your relationship to the person who has passed away.

• If the child knew the person, attending can help them process the loss. Explain ahead of time what to expect and sit near the back so you can step out if needed.
• Younger children may struggle to sit still or stay quiet. That’s okay—just be prepared. Bring a quiet toy or book.
• Check with the family. If you’re not sure it’s appropriate, it’s completely okay to ask.

If you don’t bring your child, consider having them draw a picture or write a note to show they care.

Should I bring flowers to the funeral, wake, or visitation?

• Check the obituary or invitation. Some families prefer donations to a cause instead of flowers.
• If flowers are welcomed, stick with traditional or seasonal arrangements. White lilies, roses, or chrysanthemums are classic choices.
• You can also send flowers to the family’s home afterward. It’s a kind way to show support once things quiet down.

When in doubt, a card with a heartfelt message is always appreciated.

Do I have to go up to the open casket if it makes me uncomfortable?

No, you don’t have to. While many people approach the casket to say a final goodbye, it’s a deeply personal choice — and not a requirement.

• If viewing the body feels too difficult or uncomfortable, it’s okay to remain seated.
• You can pay your respects in other ways, like signing the guest book, leaving a card, or quietly offering your condolences to the family.
• No one will judge you for skipping the viewing. Everyone grieves differently, and your presence at the service still matters.

Trust your instincts. You’re there to show support, not to push yourself beyond what feels right.

When should I arrive at a funeral, memorial, visitation, or wake?

• Arrive 10–15 minutes early. That gives you time to greet others quietly and find a seat in the middle or back without disruption. The front rows are for family members. 
• If you’re running late, slip in quietly. Try not to walk down the center aisle or interrupt any readings or music.
• Turn your phone off or put it on silent mode before entering. Better yet, leave it in your pocket or purse.

H2: What should I do after the funeral?

Grief doesn’t disappear once the service is over — and that’s often when people feel the loneliest.

• Send a message or card a few days later. Just saying, “I’m thinking of you” or “Let me know if I can help” means a lot.
• Offer specific help. Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” say, “Can I bring you dinner next week?”
• Mark a date on your calendar. A one-month check-in or remembering their loved one’s birthday shows long-term support.

For additional resources on helping others through loss, we suggest these articles: deathbed regrets, support for grieving parents, and a top 10 list of the best sympathy and memorial gifts. 

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